the fast paced life

its the beginning of the end

2009-09-05T00:08:00.002+08:00

its never a good thing if i come type on this blog, nothing good ever happens, and it will just sound negative. but i don't give a damn about this, its just fucking irritating and annoying to see favouritism at play, yes, i'm jealous that people get to be favouritised and given benefits that i will never ever get to have, work so hard for fuck? it will not be recognised, and working extra hard to be recognised is just tiring, i can't do it forever.

i am sick and tired of working so hard to gain recognition! fuck shit. throughly irritated and extremely vulgar.

you're the nightlight that keeps me sane

2009-05-03T21:31:00.002+08:00

i don't really remember the first time i met you, but i knew you were a very quiet person, i tried knowing you better, and it gave me an unexpected surprise, you were a much more interesting person than i was, your life was a mystery, and it seems to shroud you everytime, but its this mystery that made me like you even more.

from the time i knew you were doing it for christmas, i knew i had to make it up for my absence, so i brought you a pie that you can enjoy during the time spent inside, you always seems so quiet and left out, so i made sure i talk to you, so life won't be so lonely for you, people tell me they don't know whether you can be trusted or not, because you have that mysterious aura, but i pulled my heart and believed that you are one of a kind, no one else can be like you.

when it was our turn together, you willingly became my partner, and i got to know you better, its like, you are always revealing yourself to me, and i began to know you bit by bit, we can walk together talking about ghost stories, our own relationship experiences, our family background, and our dreams in life, i still remember, so strongly, the ride on the bike, you offered a ride on the bicycle, even though i'm heavier than you, it was almost impossible, but you did it anyway, that grasp around your waist, and the many other positions we tired to fix me onto the bike, its hilarious, but i'm thankful, i will never forget this, just as i won't forget the time we almost fell off the bike, and i began running back to our room, and you rode around, circling me, and showing me how talented you are in cycling, with the sunset as the background, it was beyond paradise, it was as though i was in eden with you, running towards our future, then when we rested, you fell asleep so quickly, the lights dimmed, and it seemed as though you were glowing, i stared at your beautiful face, and realised how mesmerising you were asleep, i kept watch until i fell asleep myself, and honestly, to be sleeping by your side, it gave me a sense of security, something i had never felt before, i knew, it would soon become an addiction to watch you, so, i had to distance myself from you.

even if i didn't distance myself, you had already grown further away from me, and we were no longer together anymore, i knew it would not hold any longer, so i had to tell you, that i was deeply in love with you, but i also feared that you would just run away, and ignore me, and soon i would be feeling alone again, but, being the wonderful person you are, one of a kind, you assured me that i'm not going to be lonely again, i thank you for that, i pray that you last long in this harsh and crude world, for i cannot imagine myself here anymore, if you are not here, with me. thanks, bl

grooving to audio orgasm

2009-05-02T00:48:00.000+08:00

my life is like a music piece, some parts of the song sounds catchy, and fun, but there are times it would sounds terrible and you'll go: what the hell went wrong? i rely heavily on music to drown my sorrows or to keep my happy mood going, its like, i mood swing depending on the music played. which isn't good.

been trying to drown my thought recently about a certain someone, that person has been on my mind all day, and hard as i might, its impossible to keep those thoughts outta my head, it felt close to miserable to keep thinking about it, but i know its these thoughts that are binded to the memories i will never forget. forgive me my fren.

went to bev's birthday party, went for the picnic, went for marc's birthday party, went for good friday outing, went for clubbing with the group, but through it all, i keep thinking about that person, she left a lasting impression on me, like a tattoo, i actually got one done over the last weekend, but i'm not about to show it, if anyone saw it, they would know who this person is. i wish i could just forget about her, all this thinking is making me tired, and i'm not able to focus when i train, its even harder to block my mind from pain with the thoughts, please help me.

i tried to drown myself with activities, to forget about the special someone, get myself tired so i would sleep, and train harder, so i could catch up with her, but it doesn't work.

so many things i wanna tell her, but i'm unable to, for it is forbidden love.

saw enchik lam with the other instructors at changi airport on thursday, and tang jie is going along with them, its good to see them again, but i must try to distance myself from the engineers, i notice that i'm getting too sticky towards them, i'm unable to let them go so easily. for their own good, and my own, i have to distance myself, really.

nowadays, conversations with people just doesn't feel the same, i dun have the same feeling i had towards my committment as i used to, people change and harmful words were exchanged, why? why do people around me succumb to temper when things don't go the way they want it to? am i the catalyst for their temper?

i guess, it just means i haven't grown up yet, if i'm still feeling so much emotional pain, it means i need to mature faster, only then, will a smile, really be, a smile.

long overdue

2009-03-30T21:48:00.004+08:00

i feel so sad nowadays, life seems so empty and meaningless, i know it isn't, but i can't find the reason to continue this life, its like..... just empty, i feel like i've lost my friends, even though i know they are in camp, i feel like no one wants to talk to me, but that could just be my own misconception, i feel like army now is really meaningless, i dun get to really learn anything interesting, one of my precious fren told me that its not that i dun get to learn anything, i'm just not positive enough to look forward and learn. i believe he is true, but i'm really missing something, and its where i don't wish to move forward from. its my combat engineer life.

the instructors that really showed concern for us, sergeant wang already left for australia, and the chances of seeing them again is really low, some have ord, some are about to ord. i really enjoyed the times we were joking with each other and the words of encouragement when we were going through tough times. these are the small things that i could never really forget.

then there are the 1st and 3rd guards people, the 3rd and 4th sir people, we were once engineers, but now we're so divided, and separated, its like a distance is growing between us, the ones i were so close to in the past, have gone on to a more interesting life ahead, conversations have begun to get off topic a little, i dun want it to be like that.....

my precious section, when i look back at it, i wasn't really proactive while in bunk, i would always run to other sections to find fun, and neglect the other 9 who are in the bunk.

its been so long since i wrote something, but i dun regret, the times i spent outside, doing my engineer stuff, is exciting!

2009-02-25T22:53:00.001+08:00

i've graduated from my field engineer course, but i'm kinda sad that i will be going air force, i love being an engineer, i bought so many engineer stuff, but still, i have to go air force, sadness will overwhelm me, bring me to 30 sce or 4th or 3rd sir, or 1st or 3rd guards! take me away please!

fucked up people

2009-02-16T18:54:00.002+08:00

damn pissed again, dunno why i get myself bothered with people who only end up pissing me off, i try to organise an outing so everyone can get together, kenneth makes it, xian zhong says: i'll be there in 30 mins, heng yeong says HE WILL BE THERE when he is done with gym, lazy chong san says he is tired and dun feel like going out when he said he would be able to the day before, zhong wei can't be contacted, as usual, always unable to communicate unless he needs help with his itunes then will contact me, jian wei even worse, SAID HE WILL COME after he joins his mother for lunch!

the outcome of all the lies? its been 30 hours already and xian zhong had not made it for the lunch, he didn't make it a point to inform me, heng yeong FORGOT to let me know he can't come, lazy chong san went out after all, went to bugis to buy computer, jian wei FORGOT to tell me he can't come too, he also forgot a lot of other things, like forgot to say why he went to bugis with lazy chong san instead when i asked him out? and forgot why he said he will join us when he is done with his family shopping, but i only find him at home already, without letting us know! we were prowsing around like fucks! and what the hell is wrong with phones nowadays? its no longer making people mobile, you can never ever connect and reach someone anymore, then what the FUCK is the phone for, you might as well swallow it down.

two "forgets" is it really so easy to forget? it means i dun mean anything to them at all, not even worthy of a fren saying "hey, sorry i can't make it" or you might as well not promise in the first place fuck shit, i hate these kind of people. if you could choose to prioritize other people or other things in front of me when i asked you out, i should do the same.

chinese new year

2009-01-26T21:19:00.004+08:00

this new year is relatively boring, but i guess it has been this way for the past 7 years, since her absence from our family, things were never exciting anymore.

did some spring cleaning and realised that i left many memories of 2008, it has been a memorable one indeed, with dragonboat to start it off, and a whole new change in lifestyle and physique, then came army, it was another life changing experience. i should really be satisfied with my life, its great as it is.

went out with marcus, eric and derek (eric's poly mate) to watch INKHEART, its a nice show, great effects, even greater plot, was hoping to watch a horror movie anyway, but since i was at marina square, i decided it was safer not to watch. then we played mahjong and i was dead tired by then, last night i also saw boon leong with his gf (he claims he doesn't have one), singapore is small indeed, we could use somemore reclaimed land.

this morning was stoning and doing some last minute preps before heading to mums, then it was grandma's place, glad to see the extended family there too, means less travelling for the angpows and blessing, aunt helen was there too, so glad to see her, she says i'm her favourite nephew, and i'm really proud to be one. =)

on to some horoscope, to all 1987s aka fire rabbit, this year is gonna be a tough one since the fire element is missing, and it is our main element, we have been predicted to get involved in accidents and things can get pretty nasty, so, please, don't jaywalk anymore (i'll stop jay walking too)... it is also a year where financial problems will haunt us, so don't get involved in any debts, just keep your credit portfolio clean.

so now, i'm off to doing my dreaded duty at camp, wish me luck, hopefully i can learn something interesting.

exercise

2009-01-04T17:33:00.005+08:00

this week there will be an exercise, so, its gonna be darn tiring, but since its the first, it won't be as tiring as the next few, i do hope i survive, a slight fear resides within me, but with hope and faith in my heart, i will make it through, until then, please take care of yourself! love you guys.

P.S : i dun even think anyone is reading this blog anyway, lol, so technically, i might be talking to no one. =(

half day leave

2008-12-15T19:18:00.004+08:00

in case anyone is wondering why i'm able to post this on a weekday, i'm currently having a half day leave as i just got my new posting (not really new, just that i'm staying at where i've always been all along.) damn...

i'm in field engineer, so, not much excitement, the only happiness is in moving to a new place to stay, its just one floor down the other end of the corridor, a little more darker but manageable.

poh quan is being posted to armour engineer, so it will get a little more quieter in camp, i kinda miss his presence already, but i also managed to make some new frens

yay!!

sometimes i wonder why i like making new friends to much, its like a drug... =)

the next outing with the noble nine is this weekend, hope everything goes well so i can meet up with them for a stay at THE conrad hotel @ THE millenia walk, its been a long time since i spent time with them, and i really miss the fun times together, i wonder whats in store this time round.... hmmmm wonder wonder wonder (more wondering would turn me into wonder woman!!! muahaha)

my two cents worth

2008-12-08T18:58:00.004+08:00

guess whos back! neh, i wasn't really gone,but i decided to invest more time in this blog of mine, i've been going through a emotional rollercoaster recently, so i decided it was time to vent it out on this blog, for those who haven't realise, the handsome on the top picture is me, i lost weight, and gained back some, but i'm still me. =)

my only salvation from army is the frequent meet ups with the friends i made, above is my sispec fren, ah bao, he was in the same section as me in sispec, and now in eti too..

desmond (guy on the right) with weiyang (middle) and kenneth (left), met up with them to watch quarantine.

the past three weeks in eti has been stressful, i have never enjoyed myself, and i was very close to reporting depression, it made me realise how much i wanna stay in infantry.

i felt that way because i dun get to listen to my mp3, the place i'm in doesn't allow it, but music is what makes me motivated and i have it in me, without it, i'm just not myself, and i also feel quite lonely in there, there is no one to relate to, all the small cliques in there talk among themselves, so i'm always left alone with my buddy, we do talk sometimes, but most of the times my buddy is quiet.

plus, doing tough things for a week, makes me miss my previous life, paddling with my teammates, meeting up with my closest frens, helping them when they are feeling down, and just enjoying what life throws at me, the freedom, where has it gone. since my entry into the current place, i realise i'm missing a big chunk of life, its like a void, seriously, i want to be stronger, or realise whats wrong with the way i'm feeling now. i'm not usually so emotional and depressed. maybe its the thought of not being able to take part in regatta, its true that there are other races, but i wish to take part in all the races available.sighz...

met up with charles in the morning for breakfast, its been sometime since i had a conversation with my paddling buddy, i missed a standard chartered run on sun, gosh. meeting up with him, i realise i have to work hard to keep my fitness in shape, if i'm going to return to the team, i will have to workout a fitness plan.

i've tried telling myself to stay positive, and I WILL!

sad life

2008-10-27T18:01:00.002+08:00

life in there is not as promised, body ache, head ache, high fever and the negligence of care in there, it just feels like another cold cold cell, but when i went back to PT last week, i saw kelvin, my gosh, it was a morale booster, i felt like i was home again. let this 3 weeks pass quickly and safely, please.

an army's life

2008-09-18T20:52:00.015+08:00

BMT is over, kinda sad actually, i grew to love the people i meet in there, and to build a bond them, but sometimes, bonds turn bad, kinda like milk.

the guy above is or was my best buddy, someone i could trust on to do things with me, but things began to change now that we've POPed, i wanted to understand him better, but i could never have the chance to, its like he's ignoring me... hmm, oh well, time to move on i guess.

army is fun, really, its fun because you get to go through toughness and hard times with your closest buddies, the buddy system works very well in there, although i dun really work with my bed buddy well, i have other buddies from my platoon and company.

all those smiles, it makes me happy that they're happy, but its also sad because they are sad that we'll never be at the same place again, together, we are now a separate company, divided, weakened, but not for long.

my bed 4 buddy, i was bed 5, so by right, he isn't my bed buddy, but since the other guy OOT, we're going left and now, i'm his buddy, very funny guy.

my section commander, sergeant zakkir aka penguin, he cares for our platoon a lot.

our resident superman, sergeant abbas, he's the same age as me! very funny guy.

last shots

desmond huang from platoon 2, very cool and loving guy from the drill squad, i was in the drill squad because i didn't want to waste time in camp doing nothing, some people call it garangness, i call it an extra activity to keep me occupied.

jonathan s/o james, my section 1 buddy, we did guard duty together, unforgettable!

my bed buddy, darrell tan, pity i wasn't always at my bed, i like to sleep in other sections, especially section 4, he is really capable as a leader, able to bring the platoon together and to get them moving.

smoking point cleaners unite! me and zech are smoking point cleaners, always have to do shit and clean the butts of the smokers. we even disposed of a decomposed rat with maggots, thank goodness for dettol!

our platoon outcast, alvin lin, here is gavin trying to kiss him (actually he is just convincing him to take a photo with us)

and here is the million dollar shot with jackson, alvin, gavin and koon tak, all three of them are jokers.

my section 4 liaison and best buddy, godwin, we even shared shower gel and shampoo, all thanks to a naruto game. buddies for life!

my route march buddy, zhen wei, he is really amazing, from my own section 2, he would usually go to other sections to find me and "fetch" me back from that section, although he says i shouldn't be anti-social and go to other sections, its really because it can get quite lonely in my own section when there are mini cliques formed in there, thats why he comes to find me and i always enjoy a conversation with him, i remember during field camp, he was the only guy to strip naked to powder bath, and in broad daylight!! daring!! during the 16km and 24km route march, i would march with him, he would always motivate me and ask me to talk to him, if he gets to see this, i would like to say a big THANK YOU! route march is no joke, you can walk a long distance and come out looking slimmer than ever, i lost lots of water weight there, and the most memorable ones are the 16km onwards.

happy moments with euclid and jonathan

lol, faizal looks darn farny!!! LOL.

clowning around..

with section 4

section 4 trademark pose!! LOL!!

my buddies from section 4.

LOL!!! 2lt vipul!!! very fierce yet very caring commander, he cares for our overall well being and fitness, this commander can do a 290cm standing board jump with just one swing, GODLIKE!!!
euclid tan, my most fated buddy, we had the chance to be by each other side during the rifle presentation ceremony and most of the times during fall-in, we were quite close but halfway through, we kinda lost the touch... hmm..

my platoon, platoon 1 from JAGUAR COMPANY!!!

playing with sergeant zakkir...

my favourite section 1...

my own section 2...
the most happeninig section 4..

george from section 3, very funny and wise guy...

waiting for everyone...

platoon sergeant kelvin aka karen

=) kena snap shot..

our last few moments as platoon 1

trying to squeeze everything in.

excitement + high adrenalin = taufiq

my section 3 buddies...

andrew yeh jia hao from platoon 4, damn funny and mischievous guy, he pull my underwear when i was the company mascot, turns out he knows geok leng too, and is from nyp business management.... very happening..

dom dom!!

dad was there to put on my jockey cap...

eric lim, very good buddy in section 4 too, he was from drill squad too..

jackson teo, the hurter from section 2, lol, very very funny guy with lots of jokes, he was so worried i would do something to him on his birthday that he has high fever and att c home!!! LOL!! a very good buddy too, always asking me to come back to the section....

my buddy and PK!!!

in conclusion, this bmt experience is something etched into my memories and heart, i will treasure the moments spent with my company, company Jaguar, and the thoughts of being a member of the drill squad, being super 4 in the recruits evening, being a member of Jaguar's 300 tug of war, being the company mascot and being mr garang for the platoon, it is just unforgettable. i love my life, do you?

my loves

2008-06-29T10:16:00.003+08:00

the place where i'm in is all about timing, so since i've got some time left, i shall write about my time in there, its quite fun actually, 2 weeks pass by very slowly, but i'm glad its over, things will get tougher, but i will survive, because i have you all in my heart, and i will live on because of that. =)

the team did quite well yesterday in the race, it felt good to be part of the cheering squad again, sadly, i'm not able to eat dinner with the team, i'm gonna go pack my bags now, hopefully i will be able to come out weekly, to train, to blog, and to do some laundry. lol.

time to start the new journey

2008-06-14T01:10:00.003+08:00

i look so nerd here, lol.

i'm all packed and ready to start this new adventure, excited? nervous? not really, haha, just looking forward to the 2 years later when i can shout POP lo!!!

but before that, i'm looking forward to the two weeks confinement ending, coz thats when june race starts, some may ask why i'm so enthu about dragonboat? its just a sport! to me, its not a sport, its a lifestyle, a healthy lifestyle that trains your mind, body and soul, its a place where i know i can meet the people who care for me and the ones that i care for, tuesday and thursday @ 7pm, sat and sunday @ 1.30pm and 8.30am respectively, i will remember these timings. bye everyone, lets welcome the new gilbert soon. =)

the flight to victory

2008-06-12T00:01:00.009+08:00

the team has flown off to nanning china, i miss them already... while on the bus home, i was looking at the time to see when they would take flight, i've never felt such a strong connection towards people, it was unlike any connection i've ever felt before.

part of me was proud that they would be representing the best in our team and the country to paddle in china, another part of me is happy that they get to be able to enjoy themselves and be happy, and another feeling of them leaving us to go paddle overseas makes me wish i was there with them to experience this thrilling adventure.

i hope they come back with good news, ha, quite sure it will be a good race this time, most of the strong racers are there.

the wait at the airport was kinda slow and very disturbing, first i was chased out of the special lounge, then i knocked my head while sleeping on the hard and bumpy chairs, then i endured chilling colds that make the antartic seem warm, and not to mention the many many foreigners that looked at me like i'm a alien, -_-

when bryan finally called, i was eating breakfast at BK, and there it was, the people whom i had waited for have arrived!!! one by one, they arrived and i was like a fan looking out for my idol, so excited to see them, it reminded me of the hana kimi show which ella acted in, where she was the number one fan of wu zun, and did anything to get to see him jump again.

i managed to clock only two hours of sleep, and the location? its in the restroom, with the toilet seats down and sterilised, seriously.

the countdown

2008-06-10T01:42:00.003+08:00

with just four days left, i began to feel more relieved about my enlistment, it didn't seem so scary now, it felt like just another camp at ncc.... my initial fear was due to the changes it might bring, i was very afraid i would be changed into someone i didn't like, although many people say you have a choice to be who you want to change into, it is not always this case, i can get influenced into doing foolish things by friends quite easily, network marketing was the perfect example, look at how much it changed me!

but i learnt what you fear can only be conquered only by facing it head on and you'll learn that its not always fear.

i recall a show i watched that talked about passion and perseverance, it is passion that brings life into an action, and it is perseverance that allows you to keep doing it time and time again, has the passion in me faded? is there any strength in me to persevere through this tough time? i believe, it is something that can be proven with time, if george can do it for 8 years, why can't i?

went to see omar today, he had blocked arteries, quite serious case, now he has to eat aspirin for life, hope he get well soon, we could use more laughter in the club.

tomorrow meeting charles to buy the army stuff, leighton got me my watch (i hope) and i will be finishing my banner for the team, the only stuff left is to get ziploc bags, a new handphone, new specs and prolly shave most of my hair on thursday morning

a wise old man once told me : separation is a good thing, it brings on a new type of courage, it allows humans to grow at a faster rate to be more mature, the pain of separation will cause a human to want to work harder so that he or she will be a better person when they are united again, it will make them want to be stronger, although separation can be permanent, we are never really divided, because we live on, in each other's heart.

a week in review

2008-06-03T09:50:00.005+08:00

these past two weeks have been bizaare, things don't always go the way i want it, the family is crazy again, freakin sister goes pms beserk when her own battery charger goes missing, starts telling me to search my own area for it, wth? like i would take her charger when i have my own, a penny for everytime i say this and i would be filthy rich, i don't enjoy my moments with my family.

i managed to meet up choon wei and ting han for some steamboat at amk, not very nice, but i can tolerate, lol, i have so many people i wish to meet up but i dun have the time to do it, prolly due to poor planning, haiz...

as the time for enlistment draws close (one weeks time), the closest people i get to meet often (very very often) is my dragonboat team, i took it up as a tribute to reuben, tried it as a sport, and learnt to love the meaning of teamwork, i grew up in there, learning to love the people who scold me, correct me, and laugh along or at me, this 6 month has been a very fulfilling one, because i have them by my side, and just this morning, i completed my first 10km run, very impressive i must say, i didn't stop to walk, just slowed down to drink water or to burp out the 100 plus they gave us, it was the first time i drenched my shorts with sweat (sounds kinda sick, LOL), i'm glad i didn't sleep it through the day, so tempted to when you have to wake up at 5.30, but i was late though.. =( sorry bryan..

many things happen today, we lost junie's set of keys to the cage, i tried finding it later in the night when i was about to leave for fathers day celebration, but it was too dark, omar also has chest pains and fell into seizure, it was really nerve wrecking, it was hard to focus on paddling when you have a coach who is in pain, hope he is doing well, they are running tests on him tonight, hope its turns out well. charles also has some pain in his stomach, suspect is stomach flu or cramps, i had it too, but i'm quite sure mine was due to tight pants, and running 10km with it, ouch! hope he recovers soon.

the events that paraded today lead to a random thought that if i was a superhero, i wouldn't want to fly or stuff like that, i want to be someone who can heal, with my own hands, just like sakura, heal the physical pain, and the emotional ones, i also want to be able to locate things with my radar, so things won't ever get lost.

the start of something great

2008-05-28T23:01:00.000+08:00

mei hua getting excited, she saw me on tv too. =)

the very lovely grace

in a little pain now, no thanks to the chipped hip bone i incurred, how the hell do you chip a hip bone without bumping into anything? anyway, it was diagnosed last thurs, and i'm scheduled for clearance on friday, but quite tempted to go for thursday's training, its just one day before the checkup, i have only two more pills left, which means i am close to recovery??

ting ting and fiza

one week without training is odd, no running, no paddling, no salt water, it also means no talk about the people who don't go for training, not that i miss the last part, but its become a part of a lifestyle.

hui xian and siew feng, best teammates ever

graduation was last friday, i saw so many people i loved, and miss them dearly now, if i had a chance to turn back time, i would turn it back to tep, thats when i was the happiest, meeting all the lovely people, sahara, jia liang, grace, zainal, choon wei, ting ting, rong ci, jason, desmond soo, fiza, after my graduation, i was at the afternoon session, it was fun too, i was there as a guest, for rong ci, he is the best student to perform for ipp, wow, and it was in india!!! lol, i was so honoured to be a guest, and as a guest, i got invited to a different reception at the TFA, so much posh food, it was just short of caviar...

the next manhunt winner, jia liang

after that, went with rong ci and jason to eat at north point sakura thai chinese restaurant, then played basketball, and we left for good, i really really miss them now, all of them, if there is a good trait in me, its my trait to cling on to the ones i care for, that way, we'll never lose contact, ever... =) i'll be dreaming of the day i see them again.

set the momentum

2008-05-19T23:33:00.000+08:00

things have been quite sucky nowadays, as the countdown to enlistment ends in one month, i've been feeling less motivated to go outta house!!! i still have a work assignment to complete, but i'm too lazy to do it, quite sucky though.... myself i mean..

this week hasn't been easy either, been drowned with scoldings, corrections and lots of non-physical stress, yes, its emotional pressure, the kind that painkillers can't cure and medicine won't have an effect on.... how nice it would be to be as emotionless as a robot, it started with saturday and all the way throughout, till this evening, it is never ending! wth, its like, i'm a toy to be played with, people vent their feelings on me like i won't be affected by it, i'm still human leh!

arrgh, i'm kinda in a lock-myself-away-from-everyone mood, people are made to interact with each other, and yet, they are the ones that we sometimes wish to keep away from, irony? no, its just that every human being ticks at a different pace, when we are able to tick and tock in harmony, peace will set in, when will mine arrive?

the tough day

2008-05-17T23:26:00.000+08:00

demoralising it may be, but i will survive, i've been through tougher times, but, i really reached the bottom of the pit today, one after another, i was being corrected, its like being shot, one bullet at a time, i was glad though, i got to know lionel better, turns out he knows chee ee too..

i'm going to put this behind me, but i'll learn from it, i'm a survivor, made to last better than any material in any environment! i'm..

fuck the family

2008-05-16T01:11:00.000+08:00

the whole family can just die, i don't need my sister, my brother, my father, just my mother and me will do fine, my father has freakin pms in the middle of the night, how convenient is that? just when i came home from training, all tired and exhausted, all i ask for is some peace and quiet, but the freakin father has to spoil the night.

he calls in the afternoon, excited and happy, telling me that gain city decides to install our new air con tomorrow, my second thought is: why the fuck are you telling me? i dun need to know such shit, cut straight to the point a* hole!

TURNS OUT, HE WANTS ME TO CLEAR UP MY SPACE! wth, so he sounds very nice and excited, and i would have cleaned up the place anyway, but when i reach home, i see the fucker having the screwed up look, telling me to clean up my place, venting his freakin anger, everytime i walk past him, he dispenses some words which are pointless, thank god i have my mp3 in the ear, it blocks out all that crap.

why am i with this family which i can never learn to love? is all families like this? charles family seems great, so does most of the people whom i visit, is this the suffering i'm meant to go through before i go up to heaven? with all this anger, i'm getting further away from heaven, thats for sure.

focus for last charge

2008-05-11T01:11:00.000+08:00

yi de is so adorable, don't you think so?

today was such a productive day!!! i love productive days, makes time pass faster, and more fulfilling...

training was quite easy today, 4 x 1000, 4 x 500, 4 x 300, then we easy paddled back to kallang pontoon, no sun, cool breeze with slight drizzle, I LIKE!!

then after that, went to eat with bryan and victor at marina square, we walked around some interesting shops, esp one selling weapons.... woooooooo

then we went to royal sporting house, and saw junie and zen (they're engaged!! *giggles) its so sweet to see couples together, esp one as sweet and adorable as zen and junie, respect them a lot sia.

after a short walking trip, we decided to leave, bounced at marina bay and i left at dhoby ghaut while vic and bryan went home to khatib, i went to find jansen and gang who were celebrating tsing hau b dae at hog's breath cafe, but they ate finish le, so we moved on to pacific coffee company, i had the best laugh of my week, lol, thats one side of the seniors i haven't seen before, freaking farny... esp the part where they were planning the performance for the nanning trip in china, sadly, i'm not able to go, thanks (or no thanks) to army, good thing bryan is going, he's been wanting to go for a while, maybe can ask him how its like on bookout day.

soon i have to resume work, i came to that conclusion after talking to derek 1 on the mrt, he lived in seng kang, so we took the same line down, he told me how tough it was to work in the past, and i can vividly imagine how much difficulty it was to work and study at the same time, and the working from 8pm to 8 am as a security guard, omg, just thinking of it, brings me to shame, i've been so picky with the current job because its so far (singapore expo), and i have to spend my last few days of freedom doing it, so i kinda had no driving force.

i have exactly one more month before i'm enlisted, if all goes well, i will be able to complete this project in two weeks, and have remaining two weeks to spend with my loved ones before my transformation, i'm serious about army because it changes people, for bad or worse? i dunno, thats why i'm scared i guess. =( hope i come out as a better person than i am today. training in another 7 hours, need to sleep now.

heart aches

2008-05-08T12:05:00.000+08:00

i just returned from reuben's blog, it brought on tears of sadness that youths are so vulnerable to death, he was the reason i took up dragonboat, although he isn't here, i will always remember the courage and inspirations he gave, i will turn this force into positive energy, and motivate me to work harder, hopefully, one day, just one day, we'll see each other again.

take care out there reuben, i miss you very much.

i've lost myself

2008-05-08T00:41:00.000+08:00

the volume of the shouts keep on increasing,

i begin to fear the days of the event,

slowly but surely,

i'm losing myself in the passion,

but i fear i might just lose me

its over

2008-05-05T01:05:00.000+08:00

the battle within, has ended, i don't have to keep the comments of others in mind, its good to listen, but not all comments given are done with the right intentions, some are crude and may help, but there are bound to be those crude ones that may steer one in the wrong direction, thanks to mr jack sparrow, i found my enlightment (with a little help from poh soon), as a team, it is appropriate to motivate each other.

even though there were two person who said i shouldn't echo like that, it was not meant to stop me, but to correct the rhythm, kiah seng set my direction and i believe that such an "error" wouldn't happen again, now that land training has been increased to three days, i guess i would be more tired too, have to work at expo too, shit, i should never have taken up the project.

tomorrow safra dragon boat club will be featured in the show "u are the one", personally, i hate the show, but i'm just there to fill in the numbers, hopefully there will be more than the current number of people.

time to change myself?

2008-05-02T00:42:00.000+08:00

today's training, was, a little different, i became a little like who i was in the nti days, i have a terrible habit of minding what people say, and an even worse habit of thinking of it for days.

during the pool rowing, i had a little trouble keeping up with peter's timing, it was kinda off a little bit at times when we speed up, i kept up with his timing, but in the end kena scolding, kiah seng mentioned it to me too, he says i should let peter know, but, how do i put it across? i'm not sure if peter is wrong in the first place, hence i didn't say it. that sucked a lot today

to make it worse, when giving my best to echo the timing (i was really giving my best, and had little energy left) someone said, when you echo the timing, do you mean it or not? then he said something about shouting like no energy or don't shout if it sounds like that, they asked for echo because it was too quiet in the rowing, then now its being echoed, they say its not needed if it sounded odd, i felt like a sucker la, whats the reason to echo when you're being criticised for echoing too much, and you got the wrong sound because of constant echoing, it sucks to the core, like being hit in the face for doing your best, i've never been more insulted.

ben says the things said during training, should be kept in that training, once its over, just forget about it, if it is brought forward, it will lead to people quitting the team, and there will be an emotional scar, feelings should not be used to judge the situation, where have i heard that before? i know about it, but, i let my anger get in my way, the night was the worse, arrgh, i have half the mind to stop echoing for trainings, sure beats being scolded for not having the voice to shout. terrible.

pain

2008-04-29T16:53:00.000+08:00

its not physical pain that i'm afraid of, its the pain that can't be touched but felt deep within your head, throbbing and hopeing you would take a panadol to appease it, its called head ache and i'm bringing it to training now, hope i survive. =)

random entry i know..

PA paddle championship 2008

2008-04-22T11:45:00.000+08:00

SAFRA team B didn't make it through the men's open category semifinals, we were ousted, it was quite hard to accept the fact, it hurts even more that it was the first race for most of us, and it hurts the most because i had such high hopes for the race, should i keep my hope low?

maybe its just a case of luck as zen said, but then again, luck has always been a factor that i had no problem with, technique? i made sure i twisted, arms were straight, timing was synchronised well i heard, i cried when it was over, but i also made sure i will never shed a tear again, i will make sure the other teams will fear team B come june.

the girls team were motivating each other thru the yahoo group, i wondered if the mens team needed the similar kind of boost, were they still in hurt? i hope not, i have faith in men's team B. =) lets give it our best for the june races.

14th june

2008-04-18T00:19:00.000+08:00

14th june is my enlistment date, what the hell, its just a few days before june race, pity man, i was so looking forward to it, the race i mean, not the enlistment.

feeling so emo now.... arrgh!!

first time

2008-04-12T23:01:00.000+08:00

first time i'm so sick this year, which means, i won't be going for training tmr at kallang, sobz.... hate the flu and fever, the fucking blocked nose has been pretty irritating....

training has been getting tougher and tougher, its still manageable, but getting close to my limit, i should bring my limit higher, so it will never reach there.

also realised that bryan checks out my blog, a big wave to him, hope he links me soon, i would like to read his blog too, the life of a 17 year old...

i go sleep liao, very tired after today's training. =) good luck guys, hope you work hard tmr.

screwed up

2008-04-03T00:02:00.001+08:00

ironic is what humans are, or rather, thats what i am.

i don't like to be alone at home, but, i sometimes, when shit happens, i wish i was really alone.

grandma usually throws my tea bags away before i'm done drinking its worth, its irritating me very much, because, tea doesn't come cheap, her presence has changed the way of my life, i get waken up early because the relatives call her early in the morning, disturbing my sleep. but then again, she hasn't been in singapore for a long time, why should i condemn her presence. is it worth getting so pissed over the tea bags? is that all she is worth?

i really miss those tea bags, here i am trying to stick close to my diet, but time and again, the tea bags get thrown out of goodwill of my grandma trying to keep the cups clean, but i did tell her not to clean the house up, just leave things the way it is.

my father is also getting on my nerves, i'm beginning to miss mum more everyday, gone are the days i had someone to confide in. i foresee, if she was still here, we would be exchanging health tips, and she would be in a better shape than what she currently is, but then again, things might have been different if she was still here, i might be an even worse fat bastard, at least i try to prevent being that now. work starts tmr, hope its as enjoyable as i can imagine it to be.

this family of mine

2008-03-23T15:46:00.000+08:00

i can't count the amount of times i write about how much i hate my family, it seems like a daily process, a cycle, a routine, i come home only to see a father who drinks and starts complaining about things around him, about us, his children which he shows no esssence of love to, he says he loves us because he provides us with a house and food, but the lack of pure love has caused all of his children to be incomplete in one way or another, we don't feel the bond to this household, a house is just a place to rest before we move on to the next destination.

it sounds like a hotel, sad, but true. i have siblings that are kept to themselves, if i wasn't nurtured by my mother, i would be half as terrible as they are, pity they weren't taken care of by mum. she taught me the values and the importance of being in love, expressing it, and knowing when to show it. but, before she left, the toxin of my dad's un-love had already clouded my power to love. i began to hate my famly more, i didn't like everyone in this family, even though sis is the only one i can really talk to, she is busy most of the time, and, there are days when she is very stressed out herself, i can feel her lethargy, but, she doesn't know i do, which is why she makes it sem like we don't know her.

if there is any place outside that is more comforting than home, i would run there right now at 12.50am, a home is where the heart is, and this heart is definately not at where i'm sitting in. (shit, i just created an emo entry)

we got gold!

2008-03-09T23:49:00.000+08:00

we got gold for the corporate races!!!!!!!

YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYYYAYAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

SAFRA did their best, and we are proud of you all, never been happier this year. a day to remember, 8th and 9th march!!!!!!

thanks for the great memories everyone!!!

YAY!!!! HIP HIP HOORAY!!

2008-03-08T22:54:00.000+08:00

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

safra got into the semi-finals as expected, its such a happening day, went to the temple to pray in the afternoon, then we took a ride towards the race site!

placed our stuff to get ready for the coming races, then we were off!!! the first race was by SAFRA team B which consists of charles and the senior-juniors, we got into third place even though it seemed like first place from where i was standing, leighton and i were holding the banners i made and we were accompanied by grace, who is alex's wife, very sporty and hyper too. whoooo...

team B's race was event 35, team A's race, which consisted of the seniors like ming, damien, jerry, jeffrey, kenneth, ken, ah heng, zen and a lot more others, they got third place too, and it was very fast too, really got the adrenaline pumping when we saw it too, it was a very close race, we had to keep a close eye to see them when they approaced the finishing line.

the third race of the day was a corporate race, which is for those above 25 i think, it was at 5, so we got ready for the race and initially, i thought it was another eyesight problem as they seemed like first (the first two races, i thought they were first place too), turns out, they were really in first place!!!! amazing, there was quite a big lead, so, we cheered louder, it was really the best day of my life!! ha. i can now understand why reuben enjoyed racing so much, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. i'll post up the photos once i receive it from andy, who was the photographer, storeman included william and nian xiang, me and leighton were the chering squad. =) go for gold team safra!

so boring.

2008-03-05T22:58:00.000+08:00

life has been so monotonous recently, the lack of work, the frequent stay-in. i hate being at home, even with training, there has been so little things to do.

met up with mei on sunday, it was really great to see her again, somehow, i feel we're being distanced, its like, everytime i meet her, the more i don't know the real her, tattoos. going overseas, staying single, i hope she doesn't stay single for long though, i will chase her when i'm done with army.

trainings this week is slower, because the race is on sat and sunday itself, really looking forward to it, i love this group, so many people to support, so much love, so much more reason to give my best, its prolly why i'm disappointed when i didn't get chosen for MR500, which sucks, because i hate being such an emo shit, i was once told my emotions is my weakness, loving too much and not knowing when to restrain it, and becoming very disappointed to the extent that it would affect the people around me, which is bad of course.

wish i was a robot, or still a sperm trying to break through, life may have been more different. =)

something is wrong

2008-02-23T07:57:00.000+08:00

the news is out, i wasn't selected for today's training, saturday's training is for those who are involved in the race, i wasn't even selected to attend the race, i wasn't selected for anything, which allows me to come to light that i'm not ready yet,

truthfully, i took it rather hard, i found it hard to believe that i'm the only junior that wasn't selected for training, questions were asked about whether its because i'm weak? is it because i'm weak? is it because my stamina is not there? is there something wrong with my technique? did i disappoint anyone?

the night has not been kind to me, spent hours thinking about it, and realised, i really shouldn't be too depressed about it. this whole incident occured due to fear that i would not be able to make it for the june races, i want to be able to compete, bring glory, for once, forever, but if i'm not ready for it, the only one who will be shamed would be the team, i took this race too lightly.

thinking i can get anything i want if i want it, its always been an error of mine. the only way is to correct my techniques, build up my stamina, and stop comparing myself with someone who has been in the game for longer than me

i needed a role model.

a loss for humanity

2008-02-21T01:13:00.000+08:00

lydia sum passed away on 19th feb 2008, it was a tuesday, this comedianne was my fav of all time, always inspiring me that big people have their rights too, it gave me motivation to slim down and get healthy. really.

this society does not tolerate big sized people, and yet, she was able to stand out and make a mark for herself, i admire her for that. when training ended on tuesday, i couldn't help but notice the news on the tv, it was a really sad day for me man, whats more, i didn't do as well as i expected for my fitness checkpoint, i really should train up more.

8th march 2008 is the MR500 race, i can't wait to see it, it should be a blast, considering its my first race, i'm not participating though, need more training to be able to join, but it'll definately be an eye opener. =D

a new start

2008-02-18T22:13:00.000+08:00

why did i start a new blog? i felt that the other one, was too known to the ones i didn't want to know, indeed, there were many mistakes committed by me, but, if i've looked beyond and learnt my mistakes? why should others still trap me in the shadows of my past?

because they tend to forget, its my life.